Such welcome luxuries : )

Hey People,

I've finally returned to the blogging world, and I hope to be blogging on a more regular basis now. The last few months have encapsulated many experiences, and I'm all about experiences at the moment! I've been quietly witnessing my body throughout all of this. There's no doubt it was a very rough summer symptom wise. But I thought I noticed a change with my energy levels around October. I tried not to put too much thought into it as I've seen such improvements before to only fall very quickly from grace. I thought it was best to keep my thoughts to myself for a while and see if what I thought was an improvement in my energy was of note over a longer period of time.

What better way to reach my empirical conclusion than to have a wedding to get through, followed by Christmas. For me Christmas wasn't something I particularly look forward to over the last few years. For someone with chronic fatigue it can be a very challenging time, with an inevitable crash for a month or so afterwards. My health held up as good as I could have wished for for my wedding day. I did have quite a bit of pain and discomfort, but my energy was pretty good. I did catch something the week before so I was still recovering from that. The issues I worried about the most before the wedding day would be fatigue where I just couldn't function, or migraines which have once again become a consistent and unwelcome part of my recent life.

I danced to about three or four songs, and enjoyed watching others dance to all the others. The photography took a long time, but it was very relaxing and a much appreciated bit of quite time after a crazy hectic morning. I got to lie down for about forty five minutes whilst everyone was eating their deserts and after dinner drinks. Of course the next day I was tired, but I wasn't 'I can't lift my arm tired'. I got out to say good bye to everyone and had breakfast and lunch. Christmas was tough, and my infection that I caught before the wedding persisted, but I got through it better than previous years. Usually by Christmas Day I'm crashing.

The most evident thing to me through all of this activity was that I was recovering from pushing myself quicker. It's all very subtle. But the most apparent thing is that there has been a shift within my mind and spirit. I can say with absolute certainty that this has only happened since I have got a bit of a break from my symptoms. Even though my energy appeared to improved somewhat a while back I just couldn't judge properly as I was in so much pain. Since December there has been a significant improvement with this spastic type pain and nerve problems. It has been that break that has given me the luxury of being able to think a bit more clearly.

It is my belief that when bogged down by such a varied array of symptoms every day that we are in pure survival mode. This just doesn't leave any room for the kind of positivity and ease that motivation is born out from. Indeed it takes a huge amount of 'survival motivation' to get through each day when suffering so much. I do feel terribly sorry for those of you who just aren't getting a break for such luxuries. I promise to always fight for those who don't experience such.

Something to note is that I'm not being reckless with my emotions here. If anything I'm being very kind to myself. I'm practicing very much on letting things just be, whether that be bad days or good days. I'm particularly conscious of the Buddhist teachings of suffering being caused by grasping. I'm trying to just live in the moment as much as possible. Just being and partaking without grasping to the outcomes of things. This includes my thoughts. Everything is 'impermanent' is at the forefront of my mind. I'm back meditating once a day, and in general I'm just trying to live and experience a bit more. This is all very basic things, such as reading books, writing, walking.

I'm still not feeling so good in many ways. In fact just yesterday I finished a gruelling three weeks of IV antibiotics which was an intense rollar coaster ride. I still have symptoms. I just don't feel like focusing on them too much. I'm also trying to be very conscious not to attach myself to my symptom's. I'm trying to allow them to just pass through my mind also without much thought. Clearly these symptoms aren't as bad as I don't feel that I am in survival mode.

To sum it all up. I'm taking every subtle change and break I get and using it to enthusiastically enjoy being and experiencing. I plan on keeping up my walking, reading, writing, and meditating. That's more than enough for now. I'm feeling very happy. There is a big inner shift taking place. One that I don't think can be reached when being assaulted by constant terrible symptoms.

I am thinking of those of you who aren't as fortunate as myself right now.

I hope you are all ok...

Treya : )