It's been way to long since I have felt inspired to write a post. There are many obvious reasons why I haven't been up to writing physically. There has been a lot going on over the last few months, and I've taken quite a dip health wise. However, it's the less obvious reasons that I find myself more curious as to why I haven't felt like writing. In some ways I think I was rebelling against this illness. It takes so much already from me that sometimes I resent using up anymore time trying to write about it. Then I guess I wanted to challenge myself and see how far I have come with just letting things be and not forcing myself to achieve things. If I didn't feel inspired to write on my blog, then why force it??? Why not give myself a break?? I want it to be something I enjoy, not something I resent having to do each week.
I think the break has been a very healthy decision. Where has this new relaxed attitude manifested from? Is it here to stay? At six years down the long road of chronic illness I find myself at a good place. This place--somewhere in Treya's head I guess--lets call it...... Strong Hold! Yes, that's it. A place called Strong Hold deep within Treya land! This place houses wisdom, confidence, acceptance, and peace of mind. Now, If I'm honest, most places have a bad neighbor hood, and Strong Hold is no different, having one tiny one called self doubt. Now self doubt is strongly out numbered, so it doesn't have much of a voice.
I think Strong Hold is a natural part.............. Hmmm...... Urghhh.... Having word finding issues, and now my thoughts are gone further and further........... gone!............................
Ok, here goes. It would appear that strong hold is a natural part of the psychological journey of living with a chronic illness. I guess it's like a domino right in the middle of a line of falling domino's that stands tall and stops the rest of them from falling! Six years is a long time, and I think I have leaned some very hard lessons. Yes, I still struggle with extreme lows when on treatment or feeling very unwell. I guess I'm beginning to find myself again within this jumbled up mess of contradictions. When one becomes ill and loses work, hobbies, social life, friends, health. One loses confidence, loses oneself.
I guess I'm getting back my confidence. Getting a new me! The greatest gift about this new manifestation is the gift of living in the present! This is something I have been trying to achieve for a few years now. Living within the moment. Living within that day. Not thinking about tomorrow. This illness and the life it forces on me, seems to have naturally strengthened my mind and given me the gift of 'NOW'. Some how my mind naturally doesn't even think about tomorrow anymore. It's amazing!
Now of course if we come back to the whole yin yang thingy, and life and all that, of course I'm not living in some blissful paradise here. I"m still having major problems with my health, with worrying new symptoms, for which I have to go through MRI's, EMG tests, etc this week. But I'm not in the mood for talking about questions that have answers that are questions that keep going on into an infinity of questions........ Nope, I'm saying despite all of that I'm managing to live my life as well as can be expected within which ever challenges life throws me each day. I'm hanging out with my new friends Wisdom, Acceptance, and Peace of mind. We don't really let self doubt play with us. I know it's kind of mean, but self doubt can go find some new friends.
Six years down the road: My body is still sick, but my mind is still growing!! Things ain't that bad right now : )
Over and out for now.
I hope you're all ok....
Treya : )
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