Cautious optimism

Hey people,

The weather is truly glorious in Dublin the last few days, and my mood is on a par with the weather. Ah yes, it’s nice to be back in the vicinity of the land of ‘everything is just that bit easier’.

So what have I learned from my latest dip, where my illness and my mind joined in forces and pulled the wool over my eyes? Cautious optimism people… To explain it simply that is.

As I’ve been reading the book I talked about last week I’ve come to realize I’m somewhere near the reconstruction phase of living with my illness. I say near as I feel that one can never truly have both their feet on the reconstruction stepping stone with this illness, certainly at the level of debility I’m at now. I say this, as we all know even in one day we take two steps forward, and one step back, and so forth…

I speak of all this lightly as I find my self with this sunny disposition. It is in fact a continuously frustrating place to be at, constantly challenging oneself to keep a level attitude/spirit.

What I learnt from my latest dip is that it is very hard to have that fighting spirit, or feeling of ease when doing things when feeling ill. I thought I’d turned a corner as far as not feeling that confliction between my body and my will. It would appear that was just when I was feeling overall better.

So where does this leave me? Well, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been unrealistic in terms of the goals I’ve set out to achieve. These goals need to be built around me being mindful that this is a chronic illness that I’m living with. Without such mindfulness, one is almost being reckless with ones emotions, leaving the fall a much more uncomfortable landing!

Back to cautious optimism and what that is. Well, all I know right now is the whole ‘mindful’ thing. This is a work in progress… If I knew all the answers to living the cautiously optimistic life then I’d have living with an illness like this nailed. As far as I can see it’s a middle ground place, probably not too far from limbo land. These places are quite hard to gain complete clarity on. As I said earlier, it’s with one foot on one steppingstone and one on the other. Not the most stable of places to find oneself.

Something else I’m currently revisiting is that of living in the present. Again if you look at things/life broadly this is difficult to truly execute. We have to think about the future to some extent, like with my wedding plans, etc. However, when I find myself worrying about how god dam slowly I’m taking to do my course, it pays to remind myself to enjoy the work I can do on it at that present time. The same goes for any worries one has for the future, whether that be the next day, or the next week.

For a few months now I’ve been working on research for a story I’m writing in Japan. I’m really enjoying it as so many of their traditions are focused around appreciating the simple things in life and using these methods to truly live in the present. For example the whole art of Tea making is fascinating in this area. I’m loving it! I've also been getting into Haiku poetry which again focuses on the present and appreciating the beauty around you. In fact I would highly recommend checking out some Haiku poetry. A good starting place is the following book;

Haiku Mind: 108 Poems to Cultivate Awareness and Open Your Heart

Here's one I wrote from my bed,

Through dirty glass

Withered branches

highlighted by

luminous sky

So that’s where I find myself people. I guess I’m on similar ground with my writing course and with what I’m working on in my illness. I just need to remember that everything is always changing, and so will be the same with my illness, my ‘chronic’ illness : )

Life is a work in progress anyway…

I hope you’re all well…

Treya : )